I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS! Whether youre chatting in person or via text, jokes are a great way to make her smile, impress her, and get her in the mood. Luke. Best. 50K views, 259 likes, 10 loves, 511 comments, 68 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Dr. Phil: He Eats a Raw Animal Meat Diet #rawmeat #DrPhil #talkshow Q: How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? A: You cannot buy love, but you can still pay heavily for it. Want to make your girlfriend laugh? 192 Funny Jokes To Tell Your Girlfriend to Make Her Laugh - MrKaku.com Because he is a keeper. I love you today more than I did yesterday. 40. Homeless. Knock, knock. I just did not want to interrupt her. Falling in love is like going deep into a river. Olive, who? A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. All of a sudden, she called to ask what he was doing. You must be an interior decorator because when you walked in the room was suddenly beautiful and perfect! 11. A: A $100 bill. Whos there? That feeling is actually all of your common sense leaving your body. 36. I only ask because I really think that we should hook up. My new girlfriend told me Im terrible in bed. An older husband and wife were sitting together at home when a fairy appeared before them and offered to grant each of them a wish. What My Girlfriend Thought on the First Four Dates The wife, who had always wanted to visit Paris, wished for tickets to Paris and the fairy granted the wish with a wave of her wand. Knock, knock. Love is getting mad at someone, telling that person to go to hell, and hoping that they get there safely. One that is between a spouse that is deaf and a spouse that is blind. And the only available cure for this sickness is marriage. I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS! My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. Together, we can stop this crap. 1. The voice of love seemed to call me, and then I realized that it was a wrong number. A: They both In 2017, a group of Austrian neuroscientists ran tests on cognitive processing, and they highlighted the fact that people who recognize dark humor, so humor surrounding death . because Im terrible at tennis. 39. 44. 8. A: Your girlfriend makes it hard! Snow, who? Ive been looking for my ex girlfriends killer for the I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her. My new girlfriend works at the zoo My girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her, and I'm getting tired of it. If you are nice, you can call me sweetie. After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. 100+ best funny jokes to tell a girl you like: impress her I wish I wasnt the only female writer on this tv show. My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. My girlfriend accused me of cheating. Why are men with pierced ears much better candidates for getting married? She told me I sound just like her husband. Boyfriend: BAM! Weve put together a list of funny, charming jokes you can text or tell your girlfriend that are sure to make her laugh. After 2 mins all charges were dropped due to the lack of evidence. But your presence is sure proving him wrong!. Because no one expected you to have a sense of humor. That's one way of making sure I'll never forget. know, Shes 7. Cynthia you went away, I have been missing you so much. Knock, knock. I was going to propose to my girlfriend, but my dog ate the ring. She isn't sick, I just think she can get better. I just don't know whether it's my wife, or girlfriend. My girlfriend is furious with me because she found a bunch of hidden letters that revealed I was cheating on her. Me: "Fine. Everyone came, you should have seen her face. Cool guy. A girl asked her boyfriend if he would still love her after marriage. But if you are hot, you can call me tonight! 7. Then she told me to take off her skirt so I did. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I pass by you again? Orange you going to kiss me instead of just standing there? 37+ Brutal Dark Jokes for The Most Twisted & Morbid Minds - Witty Companion My girlfriend left me because I kept pretending to be a transformer Q: Why didnt the man report his stolen credit card? 3. 2. It was a bit of a shame he was very attractive. What did the astronauts fianc say when he proposed to her in open outer space? My girlfriend said I'm horrible at fixing Appliances. That woman blows my mind, As I lay in my new girlfriends bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard. So whats it gonna be?, Say in a hushed tone, If you turn me down, then I am gonna tell NASA that you are smoking hot and the real cause of global warming.. Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook. When I am with you, I feel the whole zoo. Because love means nothing to them! I was married by a judge. Mary me, and I will love you forever. Me: "Good idea. The more you play with me, the harder I get, baby. On a scale of 1 to 10, you are the only 1 for me. 22. I think Im Pauline in love with you. She replies, "It's me talking to the wine." I was married by a judge. You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body. 1. I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her. 0 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from BriannaPlayz: Escaping 100 Layers of ICE vs Crayons! Whos there? She can wear your wifes clothes. Do you have a Band-Aid? Im so sick of people saying stealing is wrong. 40 Sick Jokes That Will Make You Feel Horrible For Laughing - PsyCat Games She was lack toes intolerant. What do a good woman and a good bar have in common? Look so damn good!, Why is there a debate about whether or not women are funny?. My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. it's to the door to open it for her. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I miss hanging out with you, so you should get well soon now. 10. My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose. What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor? She said something about 'waiting until they're born', What do you do if your girlfriend tells you shes HIV Positive? Love is a form of amnesia where a girl forgets that there are about 1.2 billion other boys out there in the world. But if he is the one who decided to get married to me, then that makes him even crazier than I am. "You weren't even listening to me just now, were you?" Are you interested in a little row-mance? He fell in love with a pincushion. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. Don't be afraid to get a little sappy . Knock, knock. So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My girlfriend is so smart! I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didnt show. It just made her more upset. He replied, that depends on what your husband will think., Stop letting men in entertainment stereotype me. I hope she gets the message that we arent working out. You are like dandruff because I just cannot get you out of my head no matter how hard I try. I felt pretty sick after drinking milk with cream. 122 Cute And Funny Jokes To Tell Your Crush - MomJunction Cereal, who? Knock, knock. Oh wait, she's back. Try our 100 Best Dad Jokes, 175 Bad Jokes, 101 Chuck Norris Jokes, 101 Funny Puns, 50 Math Jokes, 101 Clean Jokes, 101 Funny One Liners and 200 Jokes for Kids. What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party. Man, these effective funny love jokes are sure to warm her heart. jokes to tell your sick girlfriend - sosfoams.com Then she told me to never wear her things again. Juno, who. I love you too! plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, im stuck here holding my rod. Why are they so funny? Why is it wise to never break up with a goalie? I don't always beat my girlfriend, but when I do Then she told me to never wear her things again. 4. I want to spend the rest of my life trying to get out of debt with you. After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Whos there? Do you have a date for Valentines Day? She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. 55+ Funny Jokes to Tell Your Girlfriend | Funniest Jokes Trending Stories He wipes his butt. Love is a very complex matter of chemistry. she uses the smoke alarm as a timer. really ruined our 10th anniversary. She replies, Its me talking to the wine.. I sure hope lady, that you know CPR, cos you are taking my breath away!. Thats the best Ive done so By using our site, you agree to our. She answered: "What's up, honey?" 2. I can change!". "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" babe. But he knew it was <3. What did one volcano say to the other volcano? My girlfriend left me because Im insecure. Never laugh at your significant others choices because you happen to be one of them. "Good idea," I replied. My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. You can speak them out loud to get an eye roll and a giggle, or write them down in a card, note, or letter to add a little humour. They care if you have wine. I think you might have something in your eye. ", My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish Aldo. Remember that I am always by your side. A: I Eyesore. Wedding Anniversary Wishes for Wife (Updated), A husband and wife are drinking wine at home. What are you doing this evening? (Girl nothing) Lets do nothing together then!, Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?. And that is why my wife treats me like toxic waste! Use some lubricant. What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. My girlfriend's a pornstar. Anita, who? Olive. Well she's in for a shock. We went and had drinks. Enjoy them!if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[336,280],'laffgaff_com-medrectangle-3','ezslot_7',171,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-medrectangle-3-0'); I got my girlfriend a Get better soon card. If youre not sure where to start, no worries! I told my girlfriend I think shes cheating on me. When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France. 33 Funny Sick Jokes To Make You Ill With Laughter! - LaffGaff I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!" I wish I could post this in another subreddit. ", Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card From the day you are born, it works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, right up until you fall in love. My stomach was churning for a while, but now Im finally feeling butter. For some reason, your number isnt in it. My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. Two friends are walking down the street thinking of something to do. You don't need keys to drive me crazy. 4. I think I am gonna buy a Polar Bear. (Girl why?) You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this. My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure Q: Why do women have tits? My girlfriend says Im way too condescending. Oh wait, shes back. My girlfriend said you act like a detective too much. I would tell you a joke about my girlfriend : r/Jokes Everyone came, you should have seen her face. Apparently 1 out of 3 people cheat in a relationship I think we should split up.". I warned her that Im not a very good cook though. Im like a Rubiks cube. Which is a shame because he is very attractive. I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend. Im American, and Im sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world.. But then i saw her face. So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now shes sangria then ever, If your girlfriend's dad ever angrily asks "where do you get off" The husband said that he was always jealous of the older men with much younger and prettier wives and he wished for a wife who was 20 years younger than him. Is that how many men youve slept with?, I asked. Whos there? There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. Knock, knock. 115 Hilarious Jokes to Make a Girl Laugh - O-hand Really? Boyfriend: Wanna see a magic trick? What did the leper say to the sex worker? She said Im mature, Im moral, Im pure, Im polite and ultimately Im perfect! Pauline. Sweet Texts You know what they say: A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, and sending your partner a super-sweet text is sure to ease their pain. Did you know that dead people can still get sick?if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_10',667,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0'); Its true! My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of kill it. 1 comment. She screamed at me, My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" Whos there? Because they love them with all of their art. Frank, who? Dark humor isn't for everyone. Whos there? Olive you so, so much! ", I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend. You are killing the poor thermometer!. I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt. I love everyone. Our love will never become cold and hollow unless one day you refuse to swallow. really love you with all my art! Some people I love to be around, while some of them are people who I would rather avoid. I said, "It's me talking to the beer.". 33. It seems I can't take anything out on time. Girl, you are so delightful, cheerful, and bright, you can make Batman rent an apartment and abandon his cave!, Theres something wrong with my bed. My full name is Marvelous. My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? Am I cute enough yet or do you need more of those vodkas?. Girlfriends are great. April 1: The only day people question whether the internet is lying to them. Orange. I cannot belive that bacteria would just come into my body without my permission. I told her that she was starting to sound like my wife. And then I realize that I am holding a pen. And then there are some who I would love to punch in the face. [1]Worst Jokes Ever Girlfriend Joke jQuery('#footnote_plugin_tooltip_8741_1_1').tooltip({ tip: '#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_8741_1_1', tipClass: 'footnote_tooltip', effect: 'fade', predelay: 0, fadeInSpeed: 200, delay: 400, fadeOutSpeed: 200, position: 'top center', relative: true, offset: [-7, 0], });[2]Jokes 4 Us Girlfriend Joke jQuery('#footnote_plugin_tooltip_8741_1_2').tooltip({ tip: '#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_8741_1_2', tipClass: 'footnote_tooltip', effect: 'fade', predelay: 0, fadeInSpeed: 200, delay: 400, fadeOutSpeed: 200, position: 'top center', relative: true, offset: [-7, 0], }). She said something about 'waiting until they're born', She said, "Is that you or the beer talking? Why don't ants get sick? 101 Good, Clean Jokes That'll Make You Laugh Your Pants Off Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home. Wrong. Ill give you a kiss and f you dont like it, you can return it. If not for you, for me. Do you have a bandage? My girlfriend treats me like God. Wanda marry me? He replies, I forgot my wallet.. How about doing some community work by sparing some space for the needy? Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience. Oh wait, she's back. Pauline, who? I guess she just went to the grocery store. Abby anniversary, my love! Leena little closer so I can kiss you! Have you ever been fishing before? My girlfriends dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive. I thought me and my girlfriend had something. We'll be friends forever because you already know too much. When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed. Before you decide to make the commitment to marry a person, you should have them use a computer with a very slow internet connection so they can show you who they truly are. you are astounding me. The wife says, I love you. The husband asks if that is her or the wine talking. being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. Get well soon honey. A couple are on a date at a fancy restaurant. Then we'll be new friends. Knock, knock. What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? Whos there? Slow down and possibly use lubricant. Because I just scraped my knee falling for you. Women can fake an orgasm, while men can fake a whole relationship. My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine. However, they can also involve more lighthearted subjects such as race relations/racism, gender issues, or disabilities. Im a lot shorter than this in reality but Im just sitting on my billfold. Does anyone know what "ternative" mean? Our dates can be summarized as followed: There is a special place where a man can touch a woman that will make her go crazy. She knew I was the one on the phone! We've compiled a list of the most adorable jokes to tell your boyfriend. She fits into your wifes clothes. Little did I know that I should have asked for a jury too. My girlfriend broke up with me. Juno that youre the love of my life? 46. You wont get better anywhere else! girlfriend to show him how to work it. Love is like having to pass gas. Guinevere going to get married? I hope she gets the message that we arent working out. Love is not having to hold in your gas anymore. 3. I just scraped my knee falling for you.. Q: What should you give a man who has everything? But for the life of me, I don't know how to tell her. Her heart. 41 Hilarious Dirty Jokes to Laugh Your Heart Out (NSFW) - Witty Companion My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee. Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick. 2. Why should you never break up with a goalie? I think we should split up." Q: What do you call a woman made out of garbage? "In your daughter" is the wrong answer. Who's there? Funny how different sisters can be. Ivana. 50 Hilarious Dark Humor Jokes (NSFW) | Inspirationfeed Knock, knock. I love. Q: What kind of girlfriend does a potato wants? Canoe. Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I told her its unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute. Let's make a deal, girl, let me kiss you, and if you don't like it, you can return me. Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces. Photo: pexels.com, @Antony Trivet (modified by author) Source: UGC. Love is a lot like peeing in your pants. Her: Come over. How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat? A: A bitch who thinks she knows everything. I wish I could post this on any other thread. Whos there? Her: "And distance, as well." in the microwave have in common? He gave her a ring. Whos there? My Ex-Girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I was terrible in bed. least one way to shut their girlfriends up. I said you're starting to sound like my girlfriend. Then it was the husbands turn to make a wish. When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey. She said, I cant breathe!. Knock, knock. A woman made the decision to break off her recent engagement and her friend said, what happened? 37+ Brutal Dark Jokes for The Most Twisted & Morbid Minds Dark jokes usually center around controversial topics. But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive. You are like my asthma. Then she told me to take off her bra and panties so I did. If not, I will pretend to get sick and shift myself in the hospital room next to yours. or did she? You have BEAUTY all over your face!. Canoe give me a big kiss? You are like my dentures. What are the three big rings of life? jokes to tell your sick girlfriend. Luke into my eyes and tell me that you love me. You must go and see a doctor lady! Im addicted to Yes, and Im allergic to No. Christmas jokes - Another set of hilarious jokes to print. Read on to discover the best clean jokes that promise a whole lot of giggles for both adults and kids alike.. 101 Clean Jokes. 50 Funny Jokes To Tell A Girl - Easy recipes, printables, and fun games Cool guy, wants to be a web designer. These cute jokes for GF will melt your heart. What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken Harry. Q: What do you call a woman who loves small dicks? Here are some jokes for you. Yes, she replied, One thousand, one hundred and eleven., My wife accused me of cheating A: None, it Knock, knock. My mathematician girlfriend broke up with me. That's one way of making sure I'll never forget. Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. 43. A: Lipstick, 29. My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didnt stop pointing out random exits and entrances. Whos there? Hilarious Girlfriend Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Whos there? I My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike. #challenge #experiment But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! Ok I said You grab one end and Ill grab the other. Wanda, who? 4. It states that for every idiot, there is an equal and opposite idiot. "After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." The first blonde dug a hole, and the second one filled the dirt right back in. Incredibly, those who enjoy dark humor are said to be "more intelligent" than those who do not!!. It was love at first bite! April, fools. Yeah, I understand." Knock, knock. Told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. If you get sick at the airport, it could be a terminal illness. pedophile. 5. 19. Why should you never date a tennis player? His reply was, I am missing you.. Candice. 42. A: Both end with a loud, annoying sound and a 28 Funny Jokes to Tell Your Girlfriend - wikiHow Girl, will you stop getting any hotter? And most of all, it is important that these two women never meet. Knock, knock. I want to split up." Because youre the only ten I see. And for the main course? 79 Dirty Jokes That Are Funny ASF | Bridal Shower 101 Love thy neighbor, but make sure that her husband is away first! Anita. 18. What rhymes with kick? He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3". Knock, knock. An archaeologist is definitely the best husband a woman could ever have. Get well soon! I used to work at a hospital, but I got sick of it. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed. I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her But can I ask you one last question?" What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset. Cereal. A husband was throwing knives at his wifes photo and missing the target. Apparently it's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient. Not a problem, well send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!. She isnt sick, I just think she can get better. Know that I love you. I said, "America. I just need to work out if thats my wife or my girlfriend, What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something. of their time in your wallet, and the other 1% on your dick.